Ok y’all, guess now is as good of time as any as we have just suffered our 10th miscarriage on our journey to grow our family since June 2018... It has come to my attention that a lot of people don’t know what to say, or what to do when they have a friend going through a miscarriage or when they are suffering from infertility. As common as they may seem, the response those who suffer receive, although the comments may come from a kind place, they don’t come across that way.
As a person that has struggled with infertility, had my two blessings back to back, and since struggled again with so many losses. I want to share some Do’s and Don’ts for you, and some that may fall into a gray area depending on that particular friend…. I want this to come from a place of love. I want to help you help your friend that may suffer a miscarriage or may be struggling with infertility.
DONTS:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. I cant imagine the anxiety you feel through this, I could never do it.
3. It’ll happen when you stop stressing.
4. It’ll happen when you least expect it
5. It’ll happen if you just relax.
6. A blighted ovum wasn’t really a baby.
7. You can always adopt.
8. You can always try again.
9. At least it was early.
10. At least you can get pregnant.
11. All in gods timing and his plan.
12. Why cant you be grateful with the kids you have?
13. You can just look at me and I get pregnant
14. I just fell pregnant
15. When are you having kids
16. When are you having more kids
17. AT LEAST…..
These are just a handful of comments, that have been made to me personally, or those I know that have struggled with both mentioned above. Listen, while you may not think that these would offend, they do. They are painful and hurtful. We know these things, I promise we have thought them too, but don't say them to us. These are just some, but you can imagine the list of comments that could be made to a friend that lost a baby, whether 4 weeks, or 30 weeks, a loss is still considered a loss/miscarriage. Unless you have been through it, you don’t understand, but make sure you consider what you are saying to that person. These are offensive. As much as you may mean them from the lovingest part of your heart, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE avoid saying these things to that friend. I have had about nearly all of these things said to me since May, when we lost our daughter at 9 weeks 4 days. You can imagine my hurt hearing those words said to me. In my time of grief, and suffering.
DONT TRY TO FIX ME! I DONT NEED TO BE FIXED! I am not broken, I am hurting.
BE CAUTIOUS:
1. Are you doing ok?
2. Sending a care package
There is always a gray area. And here is why, some people want you to ask how they are doing, for me.. I would rather you not. Listen, while I appreciate it, if I just told you I lost a baby, would you want me to ask how you are doing? I totally understand that you want to know, but although you likely cant imagine what I am going through, you can expect that I am likely NOT doing ok, after suffering a loss, or hearing that kind of devastating news.
Care packages are another thing. I say air on the side of caution… While a care package would be a sweet thing, it also may come across as a pity gift, and that’s not good. If you get the feeling it’s a good idea, ask your friend, “id love to send you a little something, is that alright?” if you decide to, make it a Pick me up care kit, things that are thoughtful, and will make your friend laugh. Make it personal.
DOS:
1. I’m here for you.
2. I am sorry that happened to you.
3. If you want to talk I am here.
4. Ask how you can help, and share that information
5. We are praying for you.
6. Most often times, LESS is MORE in these situations
Here are some Do’s. As you can see, the list is short. Much shorter than I would have expected too. But here is why.. when I reached out to the amazing group of woman that I have been going on the IVF journey with the last year, we will call them the IVF Warriors, these are the few that came up often. One that I have found… is #6.. please read it again. Sometimes saying nothing at all, is the best. Say less, rather than saying the wrong thing. One of these, are perfect, and just leave it at that. Believe me, when we want to, or are ready to, we will talk to you. I can assure you of that! But let US come to you. This is especially true when it comes to the miscarriage. For me, I don’t want pity. I want prayers. I don’t want questions. I want to give myself time and peace to figure it out. Its fresh, want to know how I feel.. no you don’t.. because I will unload 10 miscarriages on you.. I will unload my trauma and you will get more than you asked for.
This loss, has shown me, that I am emotionally NOT ok. No, I don’t want to harm myself, or anyone around me. Its not that kind of not ok. Im emotionally exhausted from all the losses. After May, I should have sought professional help, but I didn’t, because I thought I was doing ok. Well, after today, I realized that is not the case, and I was not emotionally or mentally prepared to encounter another loss. We are all safe. Self harm has NEVER been something I have thought about. There is always another option. I am choosing this time, to take care of my mental health. I will be seeking the help of a therapist, because I need it. 10 losses in less than 4 ½ years, would take a toll on anyone. I know I am strong, but at what cost.
Im leaving you with this for now, some things to think about and consider when talking to that friend that just suffered a miscarriage, or telling that friend who has been struggling with infertility to just relax. I hope this post makes you think twice. I hope this helps you to find something that you can use to HELP that friend.
I will be ok. Its going to take some time, but I know I will be ok. If you pray, pray for us. If you don’t, that’s ok, send the good juju vibes. Whatever your case, be there for that friend in need. HELP them, even in the smallest of increments, whatever it may be. Be there for your friend that is struggling.
From a Infertility and Miscarriage Warrior,
Ta ta
-M
Comments